Don't Lick The Walls
by T-R-Us
Summary: The Yu-Gi-Oh crew get a little sugar high and one by one join Yami in his ultimate candy hiding place: the girl's bathroom. Crack!Fic
1. Yami Mails A Letter

**Title:** 'Don't Lick the Walls'  
**Authoress:** T-R-Us  
**Rating: **K+  
**Summary: **The Yu-Gi-Oh crew get a little sugar high, and one by one join Yami in his ultimate candy hiding place - the girl's bathroom.  
**Disclaimer:** Yep. I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh. To tell the truth, I don't really even watch it. And I don't own any of the cards. In fact, there's no reason for me to have written this fic – weird, huh?  
**Authoress's Notes:** Hello. Some of you may remember this as a script fic, well, it's not one anymore. I must say, 'Don't Lick the Walls' is dedicated to the science office of my old high school, (it had a sign posted on the wall that said, "Do Not Lick the Wall".) Oh, and this story is sorta meant to be juvenile, that's the whole point.

* * *

Yami Yugi, known widely as just plain Yami, had a problem. In fact he had two. And both of these problems involved sugar. Actually, that was his first problem. He _needed_ sugar. But Yami's even bigger problem involved not knowing how to acquire sugar to solve his little problem. And so, our story starts with Yami alone... and pondering.

"I feel so... depressed..." He sniffled with remorse, "I suppose I must get sugar high. But **how**?" He said to himself. It was a horrible habit he had, but being locked up in someone like Yugi's head, well, talking to yourself became a way of life.

Suddenly, that ever so friendly light bulb appeared - and that light bulb said, "Blink."

"What?" Yami was shocked. Light bulbs actually _say_ 'blink'? But then it hit him. Literally. "I GET IT! The idea has HIT ME! I'll blackmail Kaiba into giving me lot's of money... so that I can _BUY_ sugar!" Because of course, buying sugar is much easier than stealing sugar, a thought that hadn't even crossed dear Yami's mind. And so, he began to write a letter.

_'Dear Kaiba,  
Give me 20 million now. I know you have a little brother!'  
_  
And the letter was mailed, with an evil cackle. Returning from the post box, Yami was met by an anxious Yugi.

"Yami? What are you doing? Come on... Tell me!"

To which Yami replied by merely running, and screaming...


	2. Mai Is Chased By Jono

**Chapter Six: "Mai is Chased by Jono"**

This chapter begins not only with Anzu, Yugi and Billy Bob Joe Junior licking the now grape-flavored walls, but also with Mai running into the bathroom and panting her lungs out. She looked around, "HA! Jono can't find me in here, this is a _girl's_ washroom!" Glancing into a mirror, she began to apply lipstick. But quickly saw the wall-lickers' reflection. "Ahhhhhhhhhh!"

In her 'I'm cute and pretending to be sarcastic' voice, Anzu looked up at the newcomer. "What's wrong? Eyebrow that needs to be plucked?"

"No! Him!" Mai pointed to Yami. "He's a guy! This is a _girl's_ washroom!"

Yami, with a pout, pointed out Billy Bob Joe Junior. "Well he's a carrot! Are you going to discriminate against him too?"

To which the carrot replied, "YEAH!"

Mai was pretty freaked out, "A talking carrot!"

Yami giggled his high pitched, sugar-high giggle. "Tee-hee! Join us!"

Eyeing him suspiciously, Mai backed away. "Join you in what?"

"Major wall licking-age!" Anzu supplied.

"Well..." Mai said, thinking it over.

"PLEEEEEEASE!" Chorused the three wall lickers.

With a shrug, Mai gave in. "I guess I'm going to have to wait until Jono stops chasing me anyways..."

"Come on, Mai! You can do it! All you have to do is lick it, saliva it and smooch on it!"

Mai was even more freaked out then when she'd realized that the carrot was of the talking variety, and began to have second thoughts. "But I just applied my make up!"

Pulling Mai onto the wall, Anzu grinned, somewhat sickeningly.

Forced to lick the wall, Mai cried out. "YUM! WALL!" And began to lick the grape-flavored wall frantically.

**Authoress's Notes:** I'd like to say - here, because I think this is my first reference to Joey - that I know the common term is really 'Jou'. Or probably even just 'Joey'. As I said at the beginning, YuGiOh isn't my biggest center of knowledge. In fact, I know very little. The friend who helped me with the writing had me put him as 'Jono', and it just sort of stuck. (So I'm sorry if that term isn't exactly right.)


	3. Jono Is Chasing Mai

**Chapter Seven: "Jono is Chasing Mai"**

Now, against popular belief, this chapter will not begin with anyone licking walls like the end of the previous chapter may have suggested. But no I tell you, this one begins with Jono. Running. Running. Running. And entering the bathroom... "Ha! Mai probably thinks I'll never find her. But I will." And so, Jono had entered the bathroom, and proceeded to look around. "Mai?"

"I'm over here!" Mai called out, still licking the wall. "Mmmmm.."

Confused, Jono walked over to where she was licking the apple-flavored wall. "Mai? What are you doing? You know I was only chasing you so I could uh... say... thank you."

"Hello, Joey."

Jono, rather astonished, looked over at the talking carrot. "Who the heck's Joey?"

To which the carrot replied, "That's what they'll call you when the dubbers American-ize you."

"What dubbers? You're starting to scare me... Who are you?"

"He's a figment of your --" Yami paused to insert an insane little laugh. "HEE HEE -imagination... JOEY!"

"You're really scaring me." Jono whimpered. "I want my rubber ducky."

Reminiscently, Anzu took over the spotlight. "I had a rubber ducky once. He abandoned me. I miss you, DUCKY!" Pausing for a quick jog down memory lane, she returned to reality. "I used to call you..." she sniffed, "Rubber Duckie..."

Suddenly, Rubber Duckie appeared and screamed, "AHHH! It's.. it's... it's... It's that girl I dated back in kindergarten!"

Overcome with glee, Anzu screamed out, "GROUP HUG," and rushed to hug Rubber Duckie. Unfortunately - for her that is - he had long since disappeared as randomly as he had appeared. With a small sniffle, Anzu decided to overcome her loss by licking the wall.

Having been scared stiff by the sudden turn of events with Rubber Duckie, Jono regained his ability to move and backed away, before tripping over Yami's outstretched foot and smashing into the wall, headfirst. As his head was crushed against the wall, his tongue slipped out and received the full force of the blow, and the taste of apple-y wall! Trembling, it began to move and as Jono regained consciousness, he licked the wall. "MMMM!"


	4. Ryou Has Girly Hair

**Chapter Eight: "Ryou Has Girly Hair"**

The gang was all licking the wall when Ryou entered the bathroom, muttering that he did _not_ have girly hair.

"Oh, but you DO!"

"I - I do have girly hair? But... who said that?" Ryou, still not having noticed who it was speaking, began to look around.

"I DID!"

"You did?" Ryou was very surprised at the sight of a carrot. "By jove! It's a talking carrot!" (Which is English for, What the hell? A carrot that can talk?)

"And he's purple!"

Now far more surprised than by the sight of Billy Bob Joe Junior, Ryou looked at Anzu. "Ahh! It's a talking Anzu! NOW I'm scared!"

"Aren't we all?"

"Joey!" Ryou was glad to see a familiar face. Besides the fact that Anzu was familiar and Yami was also in the room. "How did you get in here?

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!"

Cutting to the chase before his conversation-partner ran away screaming as people he is talking to tend to do, Ryou added, "Does my hair look girly?"

"Yes!" Mai exclaimed. "Dye it!"

"Uhm... okay..." Even more of a sheep than Anzu, Ryou gave in completely to peer pressure courtesy of Mai, and disappeared, before reappearing seconds later with spiked, gelled, PINK hair. "How's this?"

Everyone shuddered instinctively at the sight of this new Ryou.

"TEE HEE," shouted Yami, leaning closer to the wall. "Wanna know a secret?"

"Sure," agreed Ryou."

"Not YOU! Wall!" The wall... nodded, so Yami continued. "You can really tell if you have girly hair by licking the... TEEHEE! Wall..." The wall nodded again, in agreement to Yami's statement, and looked suggestively at Ryou who'd been listening in, and who then leaned over to give an apprehensive lick.

Realizing how good the banana flavored wall was, Ryou licked vigorously, "MMMMM...WALL!"


	5. Bakura Does Not Have Girly Hair

**Chapter Nine: "Bakura Does Not Have Girly Hair"**

The now cherry flavored wall was being licked energetically by six eager tongues, when Yami Bakura entered shouting, "RYOU?"

Ryou, who was licking the wall, said nothing.

Yami however, put in a - "Hello... hehe... Bakura."

Anzu, looking up at Yami Bakura, made an interesting observation. "Hey, aren't there--" But her glory was completely taken by Mai, who finished the sentence. "TWO Bakuras?"

"Come and liiiiiick..." Was all Billy Bob Joe Junior had to say.

Bakura, upon noticing Billy Bob Joe Junior, began to back away. "It's a talking carrot..."

"Come on, you know you want to..."

Bakura stared. "I would not, could not with a carrot."

Grinning a cute little Ryou grin, Ryou tried to persuade his Yami to join in the wall licking festivities. "Come on Bakura! It's grand fun!"

"NO! I just --" Bakura cowered. "--wanted to know if Ryou came in here like I told him too..."

"I did," Ryou stated happily, "And now I'm licking this wall!"

"Hehe waaaallllll..." That line was of course, provided by Yami.

"Your future says you will be licking a wall veeeery sooon," said Billy Bob Joe Junior mystically. "Veeeery soooooooon!"

"I, I am?" Bakura gulped - he was very superstitious - at which point Mai and Anzu grabbed him and, in the same fashion as with Jono, threw him headfirst into the wall. "Mmmmm... waaaaaaaall..."


	6. Serenity And Her Blindfold

**Chapter Ten: "Serenity And Her Blindfold"**

Hands outstretched, in a zombie-like position, Serenity entered the bathroom with a blindfold over her eyes. "Jono?"

"Why are you looking for Jono?" Asked Billy Bob Joe Junior, pausing in his wall licking.

"I don't know," Serenity replied, looking around vainly in search of the voice. "The script told me to."

"Oh." Billy Bob Joe Junior grinned his carroty grin, "That might also be why you have a blindfold on, when you've already had your operation."

"So... I can take it off?"

"Yup!"

Serenity did so, and was all happy at being able to see. "Where am I?"

"Uhm," said Billy Bob Joe Junior, "A girl's bathroom..." He returned to licking the wall.

"Oh," Serenity cried and began to sob, "Then I went the wrong way! Jono is probably in the boy's bathroom!"

"HE HE," called out Yami, "Maybe not!"

"Yugi?" Serenity was confused, "What are you doing here, this is a girl's bathroom!"

"Well, I am not trying to take over the world," said Bakura.

"Of course you aren't," said Ryou, "You're licking a wall!"

"Good point!"

Serenity's sobs lessened to a sniffle, "Why is Bakura talking to himself?"

"Oh," pointed out Anzu, "He does that from time to time."

"Yep," said Mai.

"So you guys, or girls, are actually in the right place?" Serenity was trying very hard to figure out what was going on.

"I guess so," said Mai. "I mean, I am licking a wall."

"This wall tastes like it was made for me," said Anzu.

But Serenity could only convey her desire to leave, in the form of a flashy Vegas dinner show.

"No, don't go," shouted Jono, having suddenly realized that Serenity was in the room.

"JONO?" Serenity cried out, it was too good to be true! She turned suddenly towards where she'd heard his voice and incidentally rammed into the wall. "Mmmm..." She began to lick. "What is this? It's OH SO GOOD!"

"It's... a wall."


	7. Honda Loves Serenity

**Chapter Eleven: "Honda Loves Serenity"**

This chapter opens with Honda randomly entering through a ventilation shaft over the broken sink. He did this because he knew Serenity was in the bathroom, and therefore felt the absolute need to impress her with his manliness. Unfortunately, she was too busy licking the wall to pay any attention to him, so he had to resort to shouting. "SERENITY!"

"What?" She asked, looking up from the wall long enough to take notice of Honda.

With the standard anime hearts in his eyes, Honda smiled very sappily. "Ahhh! My eyes don't hurt at all now that I've seen _yours_!"

Giving him a funny look, Serenity replied, "Your eyes hurt?" Before returning to the wall.

"Oh. Well, they certainly don't hurt anymore!"

"That's nice," pointed out Mai, not particularly caring. "What are you doing here anyway?"

"I -" replied Honda, "Want to do what Serenity, the love of my life, is doing!"

Serenity looked between Honda and Jono, her eyes lingering on Jono, "Well... start lickin'!"


	8. Mokuba is Confuzzled

**Chapter Twelve: "Mokuba is Confuzzled"**

Previously, everyone had entered the washroom for a good reason. Or at least... a reason. Jono because he was chasing Mai, Mai because she was chased by Jono, Anzu because she was on a Friendship Crusade, but Mokuba defied this rule and only entered the bathroom at sheer random, and looking horribly confused. "Where am I?

"Girl's bathroom," replied Billy Bob Joe Junior, helpfully.

"Oh," Mokuba looked around. "I though the girl's bathroom was pink!"

"It's an urban legend," said Anzu.

"No, actually," started Yami, "When I got here the walls _were _pink. But then we licked the colour off."

"Oh." Anzu grinned faintly and continued to lick the lime flavored wall.

"Woah..." Mokuba whispered. "What are you doing here, Yugi?"

"I'm not Yugi," giggled Yami.

"Okay then," said Mokuba.

"Hello, small child," said Mai.

"Hello Mokuba," said Anzu.

"Uhh... hi..." Mokuba looked over at Serenity and Honda. "What are you doing?"

"Licking the wall," replied Serenity.

"Ewww!" Mokuba shouted in disgust, "Why would anyone wanna do that?"

"It makes people think you're a big kid!" Honda replied.

"Reeeeaally?"

Everyone in the washroom nodded in reply.

"Cool!" And so, Mokuba started to lick the wall in hopes of people thinking him a big kid.


	9. Kaiba the Big Brother

**Chapter Thirteen: "Kaiba the Big Brother"**

"MOKUBA!" The man behind the whole problem of licking the walls, had now entered the washroom. Yes, in later years everyone would point the blame at Seto Kaiba, for giving Yami that money in the first place. It was ALL Kaiba's fault.

"What's wrong, big brother?" Kaiba winced at the words 'big brother' which of course came from Mokuba.

"What are you doing in a girl's washroom?"

"What are YOU doing in a girl's washroom?" asked Billy Bob Joe Junior.

"I... I don't know!" said Kaiba.

"We're--" said Mai.

"Licking--" said Anzu.

"Walls!" sad Serenity, the sentence now complete.

"Hehe! I'm HIGH," giggled Yami.

"Oooookaaay then," said Kaiba, "Just smiling, backing away and RUNNING!" He began to do so.

"Come and lick with us, Big Brother!"

"Riiiight, like I'd do something like that? No!"

"Why not?"

"Because..." Kaiba had to think for a minute, "I'm not a loser... or a freak!"

"But you are a DUELING guy," said Jono.

"A dueling guy?"

"Aren't you going to stay and lick?" Billy Bob Joe Junior was sad. He was very sad that Kaiba wouldn't lick the walls with him. And when Billy Bob Joe Junior was sad, people got hurt.

"Come and lick, Kaibo!"

"It's KAIBA, dammit, KAIBA, and about licking? Lemme think... NO!"

Together, Mai and Anzu latched onto him, and begin to push him towards the wall.

"NO!" shouted Seto, but he wasn't going to be stupid like all the others before him, no, because Seto clamped his mouth shut. Unfortunately, this didn't work because Billy Bob Joe Junior reached in with his little non-existent carrot hands and grabbed Kaiba's tongue.

"Mmmmm... Carrot..."


	10. Pegasus and 'The Boys'

**Chapter Fourteen: "Pegasus and 'The Boys' "**

Enter, Pegasus. He has but one thing to say and that is, "Ooooo wall!" Before he began licking.

Yami was shocked.

Anzu was shocked.

Mai was shocked.

Billy Bob Joe Junior was shocked.

Mokuba was shocked.

Kaiba was shocked.

Jono was shocked.

Honda was shocked.

Serenity was shocked.

Ryou was shocked.

And Bakura was astonished.

"I'm so sorry," said Pegasus, "My bad!" He continued to lick the walls, "How rude of me, I forgot to say hello. Hello Bakura-boy, Bakura-boy, Hey... two Bakuras? Oh well... Hello Honda-boy, Jono-boy, Kaiba-boy, Mokuba-boy, Carrot-boy, Yugi-Boy, Anzu-Boy, Mai-Boy, and Serenity-boy."

Yami was shocked.

Anzu was shocked.

Mai was shocked.

Billy Bob Joe Junior was shocked.

Mokuba was shocked.

Kaiba was shocked.

Jono was shocked.

Honda was shocked.

Serenity was shocked,

Ryou was shocked.

And Bakura was astonished.

All in all, it was a very shocking chapter.


	11. Malik and the Men In White Coats

**Chapter Fifteen: "Malik and the Men in White Coats"**

The day dawned bright and clear... okay so it wasn't dawn... it was more like midday, and it wasn't bright or clear, it was... Well, room temperature-y in the girl's bathroom where all were busily licking the chocolate flavored walls. All but the newcomer.

"HI ALL!"

As it turned out, Yami was not the only one sugar-high. Nope nope, Malik was too. Malik was sugar high, _and_ he was playing hide and go seek. With the men in the white lab coats, and they just came in.

"Excuse me, sir. We're looking for a fugitive by the name of 'Malik'."

Yami looked up and giggled at the sight of men in lab coats. "Maaalik? I don't know him!"

"That's all right sir. We've found him." And within a thirty second time space, one of the men grabbed Malik and pulled him from the bathroom.

"Well," said Anzu. "That was random."

Everyone else agreed, before continuing to lick the chocolate walls.

**Closing Comments:** This chapter was added in the second draft due to popular demand. I'd forgotten all about Malik the first time around. All you Malik fans – here he is.


	12. Grandpa and Grandma

**Chapter Sixteen: "Grandpa and Grandma"**

In this chapter, after the previous oddness with Malik's surprise appearance and disappearance, there are a few changes. One, the walls now taste like lemon, and two, Malik is no longer in the room. Also, Grandpa has joined the group of wall-lickers. His entrance was sudden, and unexpected.

"GRAHN MAW!" He shouted, as he walked in.

"Hello Grandpa-Boy," said Pegasus.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? Hehe!" Yami giggled.

Grandpa looked around, "This is a girl's bathroom, right?"

All three of the girls nodded. "Yup."

"Good." Grandpa plastered a horrible little grin on his face, "I'm going to catch me a grandma!"

Everyone would have been shocked, had they not been 'all shocked out' or 'astonished' in

Bakura's case, from the little incident with Pegasus.

Billy Bob Joe Junior was the first to break the silence. "Wanna know how to really reel in them women types?"

Entranced, Grandpa stared at the carrot. "How?"

"LICK WALLS!"

So Grandpa took a lick. "Hmmm..."

"NO," shouted Mai.

"You're supposed to say mmmm," said Ryou.

"Two Bakuras... mmmmmm..."


	13. Yugi: Yami's Aibou

**Chapter Seventeen: "Yugi: Yami's Aibou"**

"Hey," said someone, entering the girl's washroom, "What's everyone doing in this girl's washroom?"

"Hehe, nothing." Yami giggled.

"Yami! I thought I trained you better."

"Hey Yugi-Boy!" Pegasus said, to reveal the newcomer as _Yugi_! "Wait...TWO Yugi-Boys?"

"I knew there were two," said Anzu, "But I still think Yami's hotter!"

"YAMI," shouted Yugi to his Yami.

"Hehe..."

"WHAT DID I TELL YOU?" He shouted some more, uncharacteristically mad.

"...uh..." Yami had to think on this one for a while, all that candy has melted his brain. "Oh yea... Stay in your room and don't get high?"

"EXACTLY!"

"Calm yourself Aibou, go lick a wall."

"Well..." Always one to take his Yami's advice, Yugi licked the wall. "YUM!"


	14. Don't Lick The Walls

**Chapter Eighteen: "Don't Lick the Walls"**

With all the important characters now licking walls, or being chased by white coated lab guys, Yugi was the only one to have noticed a small sign waaay up high on the wall. So high in fact, that people licking the wall, or just with two feet on the floor, wouldn't notice it. "Hey...what's that?"

"What's what, Aibou?" Yami asked, now looking up in the same direction as Yugi.

"I see it... that..." Mai said.

"Up there," said Anzu.

"Looks like a sign," said Serenity.

"You're a genius, Serenity," gushed Honda, "It IS a sign."

"Definitely a sign," confirmed Ryou.

"Yep. So, how do we get to see what it says?" Bakura asked.

"I know," said Jono. "Bakura, get on my shoulders."

"Which Bakura?" The other Bakura asked.

"That one," said Jono, pointing to Ryou. "He's nicer."

"Okay," said Ryou, climbing onto Jono's shoulders. "Now you, Yami!"

"K," said Yami.

"Not you," said Ryou, "Yami _Bakura_."

"Oh," said Yami.

"Nyah!" Bakura shouted as he climbed up onto Ryou's shoulders. "I pick... Kaiba!"

"Screw this," said Kaiba, as he climbed onto Bakura's shoulders. "I pick... what the card, Yugi!"

Yugi smiled and climbed onto Kaiba's shoulders. "I pick _my_ Yami!"

"Ha," laughed Yami, as he climbed up onto his Aibou. "Pegasus?"

"Whatever, Yugi-Boy!" He climbed up also. "Honda-boy!"

Honda got on, and was greatly surprised at how well Jono was holding all of this mass weight. "I want SERENITY!"

Giggling, Serenity climbed up and promptly chose Anzu.

"C'mon Mai," said Anzu, once at the top.

"I get Mokuba on me!" Mai called out.

Mokuba, now at the very top of the tower was disheartened. "I can't see it!"

"I'll do it!" And now, ready to save the day, Billy Bob Joe Junior scrambled up the pyramid type thing, since Grandpa's bones were far too brittle and old for him to do anything. With a good view of the sign, Billy Bob Joe Junior grinned, "It says..."

"Yeah?" Every one shouted in reply.

"I... can't read."

With a groan, Jono finally collapsed.

"Bad news, guys," pointed out Billy Bob Joe Junior, "We just collapsed."

"No, really?" Mai asked, sarcastically.

"But there's **good** news!"

"What?" Anzu asked.

"I got... THE SIGN!" Billy Bob Joe Junior grinned.

Everyone - except for Jono, who was sprawled on the floor - crowded around Billy Bob Joe Junior.

The sign, found in that little girl's washroom by Yugi's house with the magical flavor changing, massly licked wall, to this day reads, '_DON'T LICK THE WALLS!'_

**THE END!**


End file.
